Forget Calories: Why Your Relationship with Food is What Really Matters

"Everything is connected... no one thing can change by itself." – Paul Hawken.

When we think of the word "relationship," we tend to focus on our connections with other people—family, friends, or romantic partners.

Sure, relationships with others are essential to a happy and healthy life, but we have relationships with all sorts of things, not just people.

We develop relationships with TV shows, allowing us to unwind while watching characters we've come to know and love.

We build connections with specific places, which stir old memories and bring up all kinds of emotions.

Hell, we even develop a relationship with our phone, relying on it for connection and distraction, often a bit too much.

And yes, we have relationships with all sorts of food; it plays a significant role in our lives physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially.

The thing is, when we try to manage our diet or lose weight, many of us focus on the numbers, whether the digits on a scale, the size of our serving, or, of course, tracking those calories. We rely on these numbers to guide our eating habits.

But while this might work on the surface, focusing solely on numbers doesn't address the deeper issue: our emotional ties to food.

When it comes down to it, we don't just eat for sustenance—we eat based on how we feel.

And that's where things get tricky.

We're Emotional Beings

Let's face it—our emotions drive our actions far more than we realize.

While we like to think our decisions are well thought out and logical, emotions usually lead the way. 

We may jump for joy after a big accomplishment or avoid asking for help when afraid of looking stupid.

We might turn on the TV out of boredom or scroll endlessly through social media to distract ourselves from anxiety. 

Whatever the situation, our emotions are usually influencing our actions. So, when it comes to food, it makes sense that our emotions can play a role in how and what we eat.

If we're happy over a promotion, we might go out to eat to celebrate. If tired from a long workday, we might grab snacks or desserts to chill out.

Any emotion can impact what we eat, with some having a more significant effect than others.  Emotions of all kinds influence what and how we eat.

Any emotion can shape our eating habits, but not all emotions have the same impact. While positive feelings may lead to celebratory meals, negative emotions often send us down a more dangerous path. When stress or sadness takes over, food becomes an easy source of comfort. 

The real challenge comes when those emotions start to take control.

Why We Turn to Food When Emotions Run High

Negative emotions make us far more likely to reach for food for comfort or distraction. When these feelings hit, our brains are wired to seek out relief, and one of the easiest—and fastest—sources? Food.

Especially high-sugar or high-fat foods, which trigger a dopamine release, providing temporary comfort and a welcome distraction from stress or anxiety.

We've all been there: feeling stressed after a long day or upset from a dispute with a loved one, and suddenly, we're halfway through a bag of chips or a sleeve of Oreos. We're not even hungry; we're just stressed, and that dopamine rush gives us precisely what we think we need.

Sure, it feels good in the moment, but it doesn't solve the problem.

Instead, it sets up a cycle that's incredibly hard to break—a loop where emotions drive us to seek comfort in food again and again.

The Dopamine Cycle: Stuck in a Loop

Turning to food for comfort during tough emotions sets up a habit reinforced by dopamine. The more we rely on unhealthy food for relief, the more our brain starts to crave it whenever we're stressed or upset.

It's simple:

• You eat cookies when you're stressed.
• Your brain releases dopamine (the feel-good chemical).
• You start to associate cookies with stress relief.

Over time, your brain craves cookies whenever you're stressed because it's learned that eating them brings comfort.

While your brain tells you that eating the cookie will help, you know it's not the best choice deep down.

Yup, kind of a mindfuck.

Now, you're in a mental tug-of-war—your brain wants comfort, but you know this habit is dragging you down. You might resist for a while, but eventually, stress gets the best of you, and you eat the cookie.

Then, the guilt kicks in, making you feel worse, leading to—you guessed it—another cookie.

Before you know it, you've eaten the whole pack, and the cycle continues. Stress, snack, regret, repeat.

And, unfortunately, as frustrating as this cycle is, it goes deeper than only the food on your plate. It starts to affect everything, especially your mental health.

The Ripple Effect on Mental Health

Now that we know about the cycle—stress, snack, regret, repeat—it's essential to understand its full impact on our eating habits and mental health.

Over time, this loop of emotional eating doesn't just mess with our waistlines; it wreaks havoc on every part of our lives, especially our mental well-being. What starts as comfort eating slowly chips away at how we view ourselves.

Think about it: when you "give in" to that craving, you might feel a brief moment of satisfaction, but it's quickly followed by the same thoughts—"I know I shouldn't have eaten that" or "Why can't I control myself?"

That momentary relief turns into guilt, and when guilt builds up over time, it evolves into something worse: shame.

If you're unfamiliar with shame, check out one of my favorite authors, Brené Brown.

She explains it perfectly—guilt is feeling bad for something you did, like eating a cookie you know you shouldn't have.

But shame? Shame takes it further. It's the belief that something is wrong with you because of that choice. It's no longer "I made a bad choice" but "I am bad."

This is a dangerous shift because it's no longer about the cookie; it's about your self-worth. The more we engage in this emotional eating cycle, the more we reinforce the idea that we're flawed or lacking in some way.

Let me tell you right now—there's nothing inherently wrong with you. Your brain is doing what it's been programmed to do for millions of years. It's searching for relief, and food is the tool it uses.

This is why the real issue isn't a lack of willpower or self-control, even though society loves to tell us otherwise. The real problem is how we relate to food and how it has become intertwined with our emotions.

So, instead of battling your brain, the solution lies in understanding why it's reacting this way and learning how to rewire it for a healthier response.

But just as the cycle impacts your mental health, it can also be broken. The key lies in shifting how we approach food and how we treat ourselves in the process.

Breaking the Cycle: Awareness, Mindset, and Self-Compassion

So, how do we create a more positive relationship with food? The key is to address it from multiple angles: awareness, mindset, and self-compassion.

Start with Awareness

First, it's critical to understand which emotions trigger you to reach for food. Some of us eat more when stressed, others when bored, sad, or anxious. If you go for a cookie, think about why. Stress? Boredom? Loneliness?

It's not always easy to pinpoint the feeling in the moment, but taking a pause can help bring clarity.

After identifying the emotion, experiment with coping strategies that don't involve food. You could go for a walk, take a few deep breaths, punch the shit out of a pillow, or journal about what's bothering you.

Over time, your brain will start associating that activity with relief instead of the cookie.

Craving vs. Hunger: Another aspect of awareness is knowing the difference between hunger and cravings. Here are two quick ways to tell:

1. Urgency: If the urge to eat hits you suddenly and feels intense, it's likely a craving. Hunger tends to come on more slowly.
2. Specificity: If you're in the mood for something specific, like cookies, that's a craving. If you're just generally hungry, your body likely needs actual nourishment.

By recognizing cravings and emotional triggers, you're taking the first step toward building a healthier relationship with food.

Shift Your Mindset

The next step is to reframe how you view food.

Here's the truth: food is not the enemy. One of the worst things you can do is label certain foods as "good" or "bad." This mindset leads to guilt and shame if you eat something "bad," which traps you in a cycle of emotional eating.

Instead, start seeing food as fuel—a source of nutrition that your body needs to function at its best.

This mindset shift takes practice, but it's a key step in breaking free from the emotional eating cycle. It helps remove the emotions from eating, making food less about comfort or reward and more about taking care of yourself.

Also, be more present when you eat. Focus on the experience of each bite rather than rushing through a meal. It's about paying attention to your body's hunger and fullness signals, which we often ignore when stressed or distracted.

Practice Self-Compassion

Perhaps the most crucial step in breaking the cycle is practicing self-compassion.

You'll give in to temptation now and then; we all do. But instead of falling into a spiral of guilt, being kind to yourself is essential.

If you eat that cookie and immediately think, "I suck," you're only adding more stress to the equation. Self-compassion means acknowledging your humanness.

You're not perfect—and you're not supposed to be. When you slip up, rather than beating yourself up, remind yourself that this is a learning process. Recognize the slip and move forward.

Think of it this way: would you scold a close friend who told you they ate a cookie they'd been trying to avoid? Or would you tell them it's OK, and they can get back on track tomorrow? Why not treat yourself with the same kindness?

With time, this kinder approach will help you build resilience, making it easier to bounce back from slip-ups and avoid falling back into the same destructive cycles.

Actionable Steps to Break the Cycle

Here are a few simple, actionable steps you can take to help shift your relationship with food and break the cycle of emotional eating:

1. Journal Your Triggers: Keep a log of when you feel the urge to snack and what emotions you're experiencing. Identifying patterns helps you catch emotional eating before it starts.
2. Take a Few Deep Breaths: When you feel the urge to reach for food in response to stress, pause and take five slow, deep breaths. This helps reset your nervous system and gives you a moment to decide if you're truly hungry.
3. Go for a 10-Minute Walk: Instead of grabbing a snack, take a quick walk. A quick walk can reduce stress and offer the dopamine boost your brain craves—without relying on food.
4. Practice Mindful Eating: During your next meal, slow down. Turn off distractions like the TV or phone and focus on the food in front of you. Savor each bite, notice the flavors, and pay attention to how full you feel. This helps you reconnect with your body's hunger and fullness signals.
5. Forgive Yourself: If you give in to a craving, practice self-compassion. Instead of spiraling into guilt, acknowledge the slip-up and move on. Remember, one slip-up doesn't define your progress. Treat yourself with kindness, recognize the moment, and keep moving forward.

Breaking these cycles takes time. Ultimately, it's about changing how you relate to food and yourself.

It's All About the Relationship. 

Most nutritional advice out there is about numbers; counting calories, getting in enough protein, and ultimately, hitting that specific weight.

Yes, all these things are important, but at the end of the day, if your relationship with food isn't healthy, there's no way you can live a healthy life. 

Food isn't the enemy, and there's nothing wrong with us eating something that may not be the healthiest from time to time.  Life can be challenging at times; we all know that, and it can be so easy to use food as a way to deal with our negative emotions.

There are a lot of different ways we can learn to cope, and many of those ways are healthy and productive. So, tune in to how you're feeling, find healthier ways to cope, and your brain will take care of the rest.

And remember, at the end of the day, it's just a fucking cookie. Don't make it more than it is.