How to Not Suck at Boundaries: A Simple Guide

"When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself." - Paulo Coelho

Boundaries. For some, saying 'no' is a piece of cake; for the rest of us, it can feel more daunting than climbing Mount Everest. 

Why is this the case?

• Why do we drive an hour to meet a friend for dinner after a long week of work when we know it'd be more beneficial to chill on the couch and watch a movie?
• Why do we let others text or call us any time of day and listen to them complain about God knows what when we’d rather be doing something productive for our well-being?
• Why do we let people get in our personal space, talk down to us, give us unwanted advice (usually criticism), make us feel rushed, or pressure us to conform and not be ourselves? 

There are plenty of reasons, but at the root of it, we hate saying "No." We don't like to make others feel bad, guilty, or disappointed. We don't want to damage relationships or be responsible for the unhappiness of others. 

We make boundaries about others, and that's where the problem lies. We focus on their needs and feelings, but at the end of the day, boundaries are for us and our well-being.

So let's talk about boundaries: what they are, how we should look at them, and how we can suck less at setting them, especially when it comes to our health and fitness.

What Boundaries Are All About

Boundaries are about: 

• Physical well-being.
• Mental Health.
• Self-respect.
• Empowerment and personal space.
• Healthy communication.
• Understanding and respecting limits.
• Establishing emotional harmony.

What do all these have in common? Boundaries are about YOU. 

They're about caring for yourself, your space, your mindset, and your well-being. When you take care of those things first, you can have healthy relationships with those around you.

Notice what's missing? Saying, 'no'. 

Boundaries, when it comes down to it, aren't about saying 'no' to others. If they were, then you'd be making boundaries about them, and that's no way to go about it.

Sure, you can say 'no' to someone (You can also tell them to "fuck off"), but stating 'no' is only one way to set a boundary; most of the time, it's not the only (or best) solution. It’s important to understand that there are other options in your arsenal, so let’s stop focusing on the 'no' so much. 

Stop Making Boundaries About Saying ‘No.’

When we view setting boundaries as saying 'no,' it feels like we're putting up a wall. If you look at it that way, it's pretty damn easy to understand why it's so tough.

The feeling of putting a wall up with someone sucks; it's so intense and can feel definite. 

From a young age, most of us have been taught to be agreeable and to get along with others, and saying no to someone can feel like going against those ingrained values. 

In fact, a recent study found that 49% of participants in a 1000-person study considered themselves people-pleasers, nearly half the population. 

This becomes more pronounced when broken down by gender: 58% of women, compared to 42% of men, identified with this trait. This statistic is more than just a number; it reflects a widespread tendency among women to prioritize others' wants and needs, often at their own expense. 

Women are more pressured to appear respectful, unselfish, friendly, and non-confrontational, making saying 'no' more challenging and complex than it is for men. This makes it even more vital to flip the script on how we see boundaries.

Boundaries aren’t about disrespect, selfishness, or unfriendliness, and they sure as hell aren’t about saying 'no' to others.

Boundaries are about respecting oneself while prioritizing well-being and kindness and saying 'yes' to yourself. 

Start Making Boundaries About Saying ‘Yes.’

Think of it this way: two people are involved when a boundary is set (or not set). If you say 'no' to one person, you simultaneously say 'yes' to the other. 

Set a boundary = 'Yes' to you and 'No' to them. "I can't hang out tonight because I need to recharge."

Not setting a boundary = 'No' to you and 'Yes' to them. "I'm exhausted, but they want to hang out, so I'll go over for a bit." 

Here's the tricky part: we focus on the 'no' when, in reality, we should concentrate on the ‘yes.’ In this example, you're either saying yes to yourself and staying in or yes to them and going out. Either way, the 'yes' is about YOU and the decision that you are actively making. 

When you make it about the ‘Yes,’ boundaries are no longer barriers; they're choices; they involve consciously selecting what we allow into our lives. With choice comes power, which leads to better health and well-being. 

This shift in perspective is crucial – boundaries are not about building walls but rather about selectively filtering what we let in, a critical distinction.

Look at Boundaries as a Filter.

So, let's look at boundaries as a filter and how that concept can make it easier for us to do less unnecessary people-pleasing.

Let's take an air filter, for example. What exactly does an air filter do? It allows clean air in. 

Sure, you can look at it from the other way and say that it keeps out contaminates, but when you're in the room, what's there? The clean air, that's what. 

By embracing the clean air in the room, you don't focus on all the crap the filter is keeping out, and that's what boundaries do for your mind, body, and soul. When you put up a boundary, it's important only to let in what you say 'yes' to and keep all that other bullshit out. 

When it comes to your health, the more clean air you let in, the better. So let’s look at practical examples showing how we can move from automatic 'no' responses to empowering 'yes' choices that serve our best interests.

How to Go From 'No' to 'Yes’

Before we jump into examples, let’s address the elephant in the room. When switching from a 'no' to a 'yes' response, we must ensure we are still as direct with the person as possible. Sometimes, people won’t take a hint when we make it about us, especially if we’re unclear in our communication. 

Always use 'I' statements to express your needs clearly and personally. Keep your responses short and to the point. Remember, you don't have to justify your choices to anyone. A simple, 'I have an early morning tomorrow, so I need to pass’ is sufficient.

You can still be assertive and positive simultaneously without the need to be overly aggressive. Practice makes perfect, and just like any other skill, setting boundaries gets easier with practice. Now, let’s take a look at some examples in practice:

See the difference there? Saying 'yes' isn't rejecting the other person, it's about taking care of yourself.

This change in response leads to a change in perspective: moving away from internalizing others' reactions to our boundaries and starting to focus on inwardly thinking about our own needs and well-being.

Stop Internalizing and Start Inwardly Thinking

In the context of boundary setting, inward thinking involves reflecting on and understanding your own needs and limits. It's a conscious process where you actively consider what's best for you, making decisions based on self-awareness and self-care. 

Internalizing, in contrast, is when you take responsibility for other people's feelings and reactions to your boundaries. This often happens subconsciously, as you absorb and are affected by others' emotions, leading to guilt or anxiety over setting your boundaries.

You lose all power when you let your subconscious run the show. If you feel stressed or overwhelmed when setting a boundary, ask yourself, “Am I more concerned with their feelings right now or with mine?

Embracing inward thinking and is a powerful approach to setting boundaries. Unfortunately, there will be times when saying 'yes' to yourself isn’t enough and a stern 'no is required' but you can still use the power of inward thinking to your advantage. 

Sometimes, You Do Need to Say ‘No.’

With all this being said, there will be instances when 'no' is necessary. Sometimes, people will do anything they can to disrespect your boundaries and treat you abusively. 

While it's important to focus on the 'yes', a stern and direct 'no' is required if someone pushes things too far. If that 'no' is not well received, it may be best to get away from that person and find help. If your instincts are telling you to get out, then get out. 

However, even in these instances, it's vital to remember that boundaries are still about you. You can utilize inward thinking to your advantage here, as abusive people will quite often do whatever they can to make you internalize that you are the problem. 

Boundaries, at their core, are about empowerment, and these types of situations are when self-empowerment matters more than ever. 

Setting Boundaries in Health and Fitness

While boundaries are essential in all areas of life, when it comes to your health and fitness, they’re everything. 

Whenever we establish a boundary, we prioritize our physical and mental well-being, which is necessary for achieving our fitness goals.

• Reduces Stress: When we don’t set boundaries, we overcommit, which increases our stress levels. By setting boundaries, we manage our energy and time more effectively, ensuring we have the capacity for activities that promote health and wellness, such as exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate rest.
• Ensures Consistency in Fitness Routines: It is crucial to maintain routines for any fitness journey. Boundaries protect our workout time from other commitments. 
• Improves Physical Health & Recovery: Setting boundaries around rest, nutrition, and exercise directly contributes to better physical health, helping to prevent injuries and improve overall fitness. They also prevent burnout, making your fitness routine sustainable in the long run. 
• Maintains Emotional and Mental Health: Boundaries around work, social media, and even relationships allow us to maintain a positive mindset, which is critical for motivation and perseverance in fitness endeavors. 

How to Set Boundaries with Others

Mark Manson sums it up in a Tweet he once posted: "If you set a boundary with someone and they leave, that's good. The point of boundaries isn't to "fix" relationships. It's to protect your mental and emotional health from toxic relationships. Sometimes that happens by healing the relationship, other times by losing it."

At the end of the day, setting boundaries is less about saying 'no' to others and more about saying 'yes' to yourself. It's about filtering life's demands to focus on what truly benefits your well-being. Choosing what's best for you isn't about exclusion but inclusion.

Boundaries protect your mental and emotional health. Sometimes, that leads to healing relationships, other times to letting them go. Embrace this journey towards self-respect and see where it leads you.

My Challenge To You

This week, I challenge you to embrace the power of 'yes.' Start small. Identify one area where you typically struggle to set boundaries. It might be declining an invitation when you're exhausted, or it's about protecting your personal space.

Focus on what saying 'yes' to yourself would look like in this scenario instead of automatically saying 'no' (or worse, saying 'yes' when you don't mean it). It isn't about rejection but affirming your boundaries and needs.

Key Takeaways

• Prioritize self-respect by saying 'yes' to yourself in each boundary situation.
• View boundaries as filters, adopting a perspective that allows in only what benefits you.
• Engage in inward thinking, reflecting on your needs and limits rather than internalizing others' reactions.
• Assert your needs firmly in situations where your boundaries are challenged.
• Empower yourself by setting boundaries for your mental and emotional health.
• Foster healthier relationships by using boundaries to heal or remove toxic dynamics.

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