Shift vs. Support: The Power of Responding to Deepen Connections

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen R. Covey: 

In a world full of egos and know-it-alls, the ability to listen might be the most wildly overestimated skill of all.

It's funny to think that one talent many of us believe we excel at—listening—is often the one at which we're surprisingly inadequate.

Ask around, and you'll find most people consider their listening abilities to be at least above average.

In fact, recent studies suggest that we retain only about 50% of information immediately following a conversation, which drops to 25% within two days. Despite this, 96% of people view themselves as good listeners.

Listening well is a skill that, much like any other, requires dedication and practice to develop. No one becomes a great listener overnight, just as no one can transform into a bodybuilder without countless hours at the gym. 

Even with the best intentions, we often fall into common traps that hinder our listening ability.

We make statements when we should ask questions. 

We make assumptions when we should be curious.

We think of what we'll say next instead of focusing on what they're saying now.

We bring our biases, experiences, and worldviews into every conversation. 

And one thing we do is talk about ourselves… a lot. 

While there are many components to effective and meaningful communication, today, I want to talk about one specific aspect: how we respond. 

When conversing with someone, we often think we're keeping the dialogue on track when, in reality, we're inadvertently derailing it. We believe we're supporting the speaker when, in fact, we're shifting the focus to ourselves.

With mindfulness and attention to how we respond, we can become more empathetic, learn more about others, and foster healthier relationships.

Understanding Shift vs. Support Responses

In any conversation, our responses can draw us closer together or push us further apart. Recognizing this impact is crucial, leading us to explore two primary types of responses: shift and support.

Shift Responses are those in which the listener redirects the conversation to themselves, their experiences, or their perspectives. While often well-intentioned, aiming to find common ground or offer advice, shift responses can make the speaker feel unheard or sidelined. 

Speaker: "Lately, I've struggled to balance work and home. It feels like I'm always behind."

Shift Response: "Yeah, I understand how you feel. Last month was a nightmare for me with all the kids' activities and meeting my own deadlines. I barely had a moment to breathe."

This scenario overlooks a chance to explore the speaker's feelings by quickly shifting the focus to the listener.

Support Responses, on the other hand, maintain and deepen the focus on the speaker. They demonstrate active listening, empathy, and a genuine interest in understanding the speaker's perspective.

Speaker: "Lately, I've struggled to balance work and home. It feels like I'm always behind."

Support Response: "It sounds like you're carrying a lot right now. What's been the hardest part for you?"

This response keeps the spotlight on the speaker, inviting further sharing and demonstrating empathy and support.

To illustrate how easily we can fall into the trap of shifting, even with good intentions, let's explore a real-life example.

Shifting When We Think We're Supporting

One thing you may not know about me is that in addition to having been a personal trainer for the past twelve years, I've also held a number of sales positions in different industries, including insurance, software, and education.

In sales, listening is critical—you must understand your customers' needs to provide them with the right solutions. Almost every salesperson I know considers themselves an exceptional listener. The truth is, that's far from the case. 

Typically, the first step in the sales process is building rapport. Whether in person, over the phone, or via Zoom, building rapport is about making the other person want to engage with you immediately. You must be likable, easy to talk to and make others feel important. 

For years, I thought I was terrific at it. I had fun, engaging conversations with potential customers (or prospects) that flowed smoothly and left me feeling great. 

Even though I left these conversations feeling good about the possibility of a sale, I would often receive a "Thanks but no thanks" email shortly thereafter, or more likely, never hear from the prospect again. If you've ever worked in sales, I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling of being ghosted. Womp Womp. 

The turning point came when I began to review recordings of my calls (which can be pretty cringeworthy). It was a discovery process, unearthing habits I had no idea I had. Here's a glimpse into one such conversation that took place over Zoom:

Me: Good morning, Mrs. Prospect! How's your day going?

Prospect: Good morning, Andrew! It's not bad, although we are getting hit with a lot of rain in Florida today.

Me: I hear ya; up in Boston, we're getting some snow ourselves; good day to get some work done, though!

Prospect: Ha, yup, good day to stay inside; I have a busy day ahead of me, so it works out. Lots of paperwork, but I'm glad we could connect!

Me: I'm glad too! And yes, I have a packed schedule of calls today; I hope I have time to eat lunch, haha. 

Prospect: Haha, yes, hopefully! Some days I get so wrapped up in work, I have to remind myself to eat. 

Me: Exactly! I keep some healthy snacks in the kitchen that I can munch on between calls. This week, I haven't exactly been eating the best, though.

I made her laugh a couple of times, and we connected on the lousy weather together. We both have busy days and talked about remembering to eat lunch. Merely seconds into the conversation, we have a few things in common. Good start, right?

Well, not so much. 

Sure, it's a decent conversation, but what did I learn about the prospect in this interaction? It's raining in Florida, she has a lot of paperwork, and she has to remind herself to eat on busy days. 

Great job, Sherlock, way to connect. 

I thought I did well, but then I watched the tape and realized something striking. I had been talking about myself the whole fucking time. 

Every time she told me something, I shifted the conversation.

It's raining in Florida? Well, it's snowing in Boston! 

You have a lot of paperwork to do today; well, I have a bunch of calls!

Sometimes, you need to remember to eat? Well, I have healthy snacks!

Instead of listening to and supporting what she told me and continuing the conversation she created, I shifted to what was going on with me. 

Catching yourself in the act is easier said than done. While you might think you're strengthening someone's voice, you could inadvertently be diminishing their message.

Recognizing my tendency to shift, I challenged myself to approach conversations differently. The following example showcases the power of support responses in action.

The Power of Support: Transforming the Conversation

Me: Good morning, Mrs. Prospect! How's your day going?

Prospect: Good morning, Andrew! I'm doing well, very rainy day here in Florida though.

Me: Oh, Florida weather can be unpredictable! Does all this rain mean you're stuck inside, tackling tasks today? 

Prospect: Pretty much; I will have to go outside at some point, though, I'll have to take my dog out to go pee today, but besides that, I'll be staying in.

Me: Dog walking duties, rain or shine, I respect that! What kind of furry friend do you have keeping you company on this rainy day?

Prospect: I have a Black Lab; his name is Gizmo!

Me: Awesome! Black Labs are such loyal and energetic companions. What's Gizmo making of all this rain? Is he bouncing off the walls, wanting to play, or enjoying a cozy nap instead?

Prospect: Oh, he's here laying next to me, having a lazy morning, haha (The prospect then moves the camera to show Gizmo lying on the ground sleeping).

Me: Aww, what a good boy! Look at Gizmo enjoying his snooze session! Can't blame him. Sometimes, a lazy morning with your human is the best way to spend a rainy day.

Prospect: Haha, yes, Gizmo would agree. Are you a dog dad yourself?

This time, instead of immediately discussing the weather in Boston after she mentioned rain in Florida, I kept the conversation about her. I showed interest in how the rain affected her day. 

This allowed her to tell me more about herself and add depth and meaning to the conversation. Plus, I got to see a dog! If I had kept the conversation superficial, I would have never known that Gizmo was joining us on the call.

Also, after showing interest in her, she naturally volleyed the conversation back my way, asking if I was a dog dad. Responding and talking about my dog Kodi (who's also a good boy) would support her in shifting the conversation over to me. 

This moment underscores that shift responses aren't inherently negative; they can enrich dialogues by creating common ground and deepening connections. The key is ensuring these shifts don't detract from listening to and valuing the other person's sharing but rather complement it by fostering a reciprocal exchange.

Sure, it's a small example and sales-related, but understanding and recognizing the difference between shift and support responses affects every conversation we're in. It can be the difference between someone feeling heard or dismissed. 

Mastering support responses in sales is one thing, but their impact on our personal lives can be much more significant.

Supporting When Someone Is Down

While the previous example was a surface-level conversation with someone I had just met, the deeper and more valuable a conversation is, the more vital it is for us to use support responses. How we respond to someone could leave a lasting impact on how they view us and the relationship. 

It could be a loved one grappling with loss or a family member dealing with health issues. It could be a coworker feeling overwhelmed with work or a friend going through a painful breakup. It could be a child being bullied at school, a partner having doubts in a relationship, or someone, anyone, feeling a sense of loneliness we couldn't possibly understand. 

When such situations arise, the stakes are naturally higher, and genuine connection, empathy, and understanding are crucial. As we sit with someone in their experience rather than talk at them or inadvertently redirect the focus back to ourselves, these moments test our ability to converse and connect profoundly.

This can be challenging; when someone is down, it's natural to want to pick them back up. If we say just the right thing or give them a new, fresh perspective, that could be what they need to be lifted out of this dark place. Unfortunately, that's usually not how it works. 

I'll be honest with you here, while it may feel like you want to lift the other person up because you want to help them, that's not what you're doing. What you're really doing is trying to ease your own discomfort with their pain. Sorry. 

Understanding why we're so quick to offer solutions rather than simply listening sheds light on the real challenge of providing genuine support. Now, let's delve into what makes offering true support more complicated than it seems.

The Challenge of Providing Genuine Support

It's uncomfortable to see someone we care about suffering, and our instinct to 'fix' the situation often comes from wanting to alleviate our feelings of helplessness or distress. 

Genuine support doesn't always mean pulling someone into the light; sometimes, it means sitting with them in the darkness, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their experience without rushing to change them. 

This is where the term "toxic positivity" comes from: the tendency to dismiss or invalidate negative emotions in favor of a falsely optimistic outlook. This can significantly undermine the trust and depth of our relationships. 

While it may stem from a desire to uplift, it often leaves the other person feeling misunderstood, as their emotions are sidelined to maintain a positive attitude. The last thing someone struggling wants to hear is, "Look on the bright side" or "Hey, it could be worse." 

People are complex, and that includes our feelings. When we shift the conversation by trying to make them feel better, giving them advice, or telling them we understand, we attempt to simplify those feelings. This minimizes their experience and keeps the conversation superficial, preventing us from understanding them. 

Recognizing our discomfort is only the beginning. Truly supporting someone involves embracing the full spectrum of their emotions.

Embracing the Complexity of Emotions 

Unlike shift responses, support responses let us go deep. They allow us to acknowledge the diverse nature of emotions, recognizing that feelings such as grief, anxiety, or disillusionment don't have quick fixes. 

By offering support responses, we show the other person we are ready and willing to engage with the complexity of their feelings. This doesn't just deepen the conversation; it creates a space where genuine understanding and empathy can flourish.

Whenever we resist the urge to focus on ourselves, we gain insight into others' lives. Through it, we can see the world through their eyes, feel a small part of what they're feeling, and understand them in a way that shallow conversations would never be able to.

Through this process, we don't just support the other person; we grow ourselves. Our capacity for empathy expands, our understanding of human emotions becomes more nuanced, and our relationships are strengthened by genuine connection and trust. All good things. 

Support responses do more than validate the other person's feelings; they invite us into a shared human experience. By adopting this approach, we can transform even the most superficial conversation into an opportunity for deep, meaningful connection and mutual growth.

Alright, let's cut to the chase and look over some practical examples. 

Examples of Support Responses

Here is a quick list of some responses you can use when you want to be supportive in a conversation: 

• "That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk more about it?" - Validates the speaker's difficulty and opens the floor for more sharing.
• "I'm here for you, no matter what you need." - Offers unconditional support and presence.
• "It's okay to feel this way." - Affirms that the speaker's feelings are valid and understandable.
• "Would you like to explore options together, or do you need a space to vent?" - Respects the speaker's autonomy in choosing how to proceed.
• "Thank you for sharing this with me." - Expresses gratitude for the speaker's trust in you.
• "How can I help during this time?" - Directly asks how you can assist, tailoring your support to their needs.
• "Your feelings are completely valid." - Reinforces the legitimacy of their emotional response.
• "Take all the time you need, I'm listening." - Offers patience and attentiveness without rushing them.

If I were to describe support responses in one word, it would be "Soft." Each response shows patience and understanding and creates a safe space without trying to devalue the speaker's words.

Along with understanding what to say, it's equally important to recognize what we should avoid saying to ensure we're fully equipped to foster meaningful conversations. Here are examples of shift responses that can inadvertently distance us from others:

Examples of Shift Responses

Now, let's take a look at some responses to avoid when trying to support someone: 

• It could be worse." - Undermines the speaker's feelings by suggesting their situation could be more dire.
• "You'll get over it soon." - Overlooks the immediate impact of the person's emotions.
• "Just look on the bright side." - Forces a positive perspective, ignoring valid negative feelings.
• "This reminds me of the time when I..." - Diverts attention from the speaker to your own experiences.
• "Everything happens for a reason." This might invalidate the person's struggle by implying a predetermined logic to their pain.
• "You should try this..." - Offers unsolicited advice, which might not be what the speaker needs.
• "But you're usually so strong." - Imposes an expectation of strength, potentially making vulnerability harder.
• "Don't worry, it'll all work out." - Dismisses current worries without acknowledging their validity.
• "I know exactly how you feel." - Assumes your experiences are directly comparable, potentially diminishing theirs.

If I were to describe shift responses in one word, it would be "Dismissive." The response overlooks the person's emotions, diverts the conversation to the responder's perspective, and prematurely offers a solution. 

Now that we've delved into the benefits of support responses and the drawbacks of shift responses let's look at the broader picture. It might seem that support responses are always the best option and shift responses should be avoided, but the truth is more nuanced. 

It's about finding the right balance. Just as in life, the key is not to overdo it with any one approach.

While I've emphasized the positive aspects of supporting and cautioned against shifting, it's essential to understand that neither type of response is inherently right or wrong. Each has its place depending on the context of the conversation.

Let's explore how we can strike that delicate balance effectively.

Finding the Right Balance

While support responses are essential to deepening and strengthening relationships, they're not the end-all solution for connecting with others. 

It's about finding the right balance, as conversations have to them, rather than only supporting, supporting, supporting. Support responses are only one (very important) tool in your toolbox. 

Here are three scenarios where giving too much support might lead to unintended consequences, along with strategies to navigate these situations effectively:

1. It Turns into an Interview or Interrogation

Excessively leaning on support responses, particularly open-ended questions, can inadvertently make a conversation feel like an interrogation. This might put the other person in an uncomfortable spotlight, causing them to shut down or share less. 

Strategy: Encourage a natural flow of dialogue by incorporating your thoughts and experiences. This isn't about constantly deploying support responses but using them to foster connection. Ensure there's a give-and-take dynamic, sharing personal anecdotes or insights to make the conversation feel more reciprocal and less like a Q&A session.

If you notice their body language or responses become more closed off, or if they seem more defensive, take a step back with the support responses. 

2. It Becomes an Outlet for Continuous Venting

Providing a listening ear is compassionate, but preventing conversations from devolving into one-sided venting sessions is essential. If the interaction turns into the other person offloading without engaging with your support, it may be time to reassess.

Strategy: If the conversation consistently veers into venting territory, consider asking if they want advice or just want to vent. If they don't want advice and continue on, it might be necessary to establish boundaries. Remember, offering support should not obligate you to bear the brunt of someone's emotional unloading; you have better things to do with your time.

3. It Reinforces a Victim Mentality

Notice if the conversation consistently reinforces a sense of helplessness or victimhood, particularly in situations where the individual has the power to effect change.

Strategy: In cases where the person has agency over their situation, encourage them to consider different perspectives or actionable steps they might take. Dwelling on the problem could be doing more harm than good. 

It's easier said than done to shift someone's perspective from victimhood to empowerment, and success isn't guaranteed. However, even attempting this conversation can plant seeds of empowerment and change, so it's worth a shot.

Wired for Connection

As we wrap up, I wanted to highlight something interesting. Our deep connections with others aren't just reflected in our emotions; they're also reflected in our biology.

Research shows the brainwaves of two people synchronize when they engage in a conversation, demonstrating the profound connection that empathetic listening and genuine support can foster. 

This syncing of brainwaves goes beyond mere metaphor; it represents tangible, biological evidence of our capacity for empathy and deeper connection. Seriously. 

The art of listening and responding with empathy and support plays a critical role in our relationships, affecting how we perceive each other and how we are biologically intertwined. 

Becoming a better listener isn't about perfection; it's about consciously trying to truly understand and connect with the person in front of us. We might not always get it right, but the attempt is a powerful testament to our capacity for compassion and connection.

By consciously adopting this simple strategy—being mindful of our responses—we can enhance our personal growth and positively affect those around us. 

Ultimately, our efforts at offering support may only sometimes hit the mark, but the genuine intention to connect, understand, and be present truly matters.  

So, let's commit to improving our listening skills with our ears and an open heart. By doing so, we're not merely participating in a conversation but fostering deeper connections and nurturing understanding.

My Challenge To You

This week's challenge is an easy one. Pay attention to your conversations and be aware of the kinds of responses you're giving off. If you think you're not finding the right balance of support and shift responses, adjust accordingly. 

Key Takeaways

• Prioritize understanding in conversations, focusing on the speaker's message rather than preparing your response.
• Recognize listening as a developed skill requiring practice and attention to improve.
• Shift your perspective to genuinely hear and empathize with others, moving beyond self-focused listening habits.
• Utilize support responses to deepen dialogue, demonstrating active engagement and empathy.
• Balance offering support with maintaining dialogue reciprocity, ensuring conversations are meaningful and mutual.
• Embrace the full spectrum of emotions in conversations, validating others' experiences without simplification.
• Foster authentic connections through empathetic listening, enhancing personal growth, and strengthening relationships.

Enjoy this post? Sign up for my newsletter for free to receive weekly content and join my growing community!

Subscribe to My Newsletter